Read Me

So it's the end of August 2012, a month that seems to have taken forever to end, though, in fact, it's taken about a month, the average amount of time. And I have decided to once again try writing and maintaining a blog, albeit the first one actually done under my real name (well, almost... it says "James" on my birth certificate). I wrote a television review blog for a few months under an assumed name four-ish years ago; it was ruddy good fun for a while, but it was basically an outlet for extreme negativity. Rather than actually praise something decent on the box, I'd tend to rant and moan about such issues as Kirstie Allsopp being a right auld Tory munter. Which is still thoroughly true, of course, but hardly relevent to her telly career. Indeed, I can count on one bollock the hours of Location, Location, Location I've watched in my lifetime. Not my bag. Kirstie or her bore-joy-zee Channel 4 crapfests.

 Kirstie: the short-sighted man's crumpet

That's not to say this blog won't have any TV views and reviews in it; Christ, as a terminally unemployed man, watching the 32" flatscreen in the corner takes up much of my time. But I'd like to think I'll have some good things to say about telly, music, film etc this time round. I mean, I have Twitter and it's 140 characters for ejecting bile. But having seen some cracking good blog posts from my fellow Twitbags (folks who I follow/follow me on Twitter... well duhh) who are even funnier and more informative without the space restraints, it's jolly well put me in the mood to follow suit and return to blogging. So here we go. As the overly-earnest voiceover bloke on the Jeremy Kyle Show in-programme trailers would say: strap yourselves in.

Jezza: commander of Commando

 

 

August 2012- the Olympics are over, the Paralympics have begun, and here in my adopted country of Ireland, the kids are already back at school. But the big news is that, starting this Monday on the 3rd of September, ITV1's autumn season begins with BRAND NEW EPISODES of the Jeremy Kyle Show. Well, to be fair, the light channel actually kicks off with a supposed revamp of early-morning fartfest Daybreak, with "exciting" new hosts Lorraine Kelly and Aled Jones. I know, sounds riveting, doesn't it? Bland and Blander. But the real excitement begins at 9.25 on September 3rd with BRAND NEW EPISODES of the JK Show kicking off. And you can bet your last pube things really will be "kicking off" in the Manchester studios. Five or six weeks of mostly dismal repeats circa 2009 ending with this weeks Summer Updates clip shows have been punctuated with the one trailer hyping and hyping and FUCKING HYPING THE BRAND NEW EPISODES. And the hype has certainly got to me. As I said on Twitter this morning, I am psyched for the new series, especially after being drip-fed mundane repeats over the summer, where the lack of Jezza's side parting and the much-ballyhooed revamped set with Neck Strain Baby Monitor has rather jarred.

 

One of the best, nah, sod it, the best thing about Twitter for me personally is the (mostly) daily hour of tweeting we "Jezzaholics" indulge in. It makes the good episodes even better, and the poor episodes more than tolerable thanks solely to the efforts of a small but ever-growing group of Kyle Twitterati. You really have to be there, 9.25 on the dot, to understand what I mean. And if you do decide to join us one day to pass judgement on Britain's lowest parasites and their spitting, no-pants-wearing ringleader Jeremy Kyle, here's a brief guide to tweeting the show that you may find a little useful...

 

 

THE JEREMY KYLE SHOW TWITTER COMMENTARY GUIDE

 

 

1. IMPORTANT HASHTAGS:

 

#JeremyKyle is the one you want for all the banter and remarks. Don't use something long and character-consuming like #thejeremykyleshow, all the cool people like us don't, so neither should you. Getting the basic hashtag right is, of course, massively important to get involved in the shit and giggles.

 

#FacebookSweepstake is optional but a bit of extra fun. Use the tag, and predict the first time one of the JK guests (or the man himself) mentions Facebook. You don't get a prize or anything, just the congratulations and adulation of your Twitter peers. I have never won the sweepstake yet. If you're wondering why Facebook, well, it's the social networking portal of the underclasses, isn't it? That's me being facetious, everyone and his cat has a Facebook account, regardless of social class. But the site gets pretty much a daily plug on the JK Show with undesirables telling an increasingly-exasperated Jezza how they "inbox" each other insults, or flirty filth, and so on. And Jeremy loves to constantly remind us how he knows nothing about social networking. Why the baiting bastard can't finally learn, I don't know. When FB is mentioned, one or more of us will tweet it with the official time and the person who got nearest in the sweepstake is the winner. F-Bomb!

 

2. IMPORTANT PEOPLE:

 

ITV's official Jeremy Kyle Show Twitter. Now remember kids, Jezza himself doesn't have Twitter. He doesn't have Facebook. Don't get suckered in by any fake accounts. The closest thing to the man himself, arguably, is the official show Twitter account. Now I have to warn you, this account is run by a humourless dullard who exists only to provide brief after-show information and to retweet the most simple-minded yet sycophantic of pro-JK show comments ("@itvjeremykyle OMG I luv Jeremy Kyle, he iz tha bezzzt, please RT!!!! XXXXX"... that sort of shit). Do not expect any decent banter with this person, but he/she/it is worth following just to laugh at the gormless RT's and to find out what happened to Mad Dog Deon after he finally woke up one day and realised what a prize jizzcock he is for getting that thing tattooed on his bastard face.

 

Graham Stanier. AKA the Grey Panther (or just Panther). Referred to by Jeremy as "The Genius" or "G" when he's feeling in a hippity-hop kind of mood. The Head of Aftercare Stanier has achieved cult status on Twitter due to his resemblence to Gary Glitter, his soporific Lancastrian accent, and most notoriously, his penchant for touching all the guests, no matter how dirty and smelly they probably are. If you know any good sex offender quips, work the Panther in there and you're good to go.

 

Will Sentance. A near ever-presence on the programme, the bloke who brings out the DNA and lie detector test results and the occasional box of tissues for crying guests (if there's any left after the Panther's last marathon wanking session). Will isn't a massive presence on Twitter during the broadcasts, but he is often there keeping an eye on proceedings, and I have to say he is a bloody nice bloke who gets our warped sense of humour when it comes to the commentary. So keep your eyes peeled, and maybe one day, Will will acknowledge your existence. And then shatter your life into pieces by handing Kyle the envelope that confirms that your partner actually IS a filthy, VD-riddled, lying, cheating piece of cack.

 

3. MISC:

 

KLAXONS!!! Use a klaxon when you feel appropriate. My advice is to use it when Jezza wheels out one of his catchphrases, and as we all know, there are plenty. For example: IT'S CALLED THE JEREMY KYLE SHOW KLAXON, DIRTY LITTLE LIAR KLAXON etc.

 

Teeth. An episode of the JK show in which none of the guests have a mouth like a disused graveyard is quite rare. These people who are too thick to realise they live in a country that gives free dental care to the poor deserve your judgement, so you should give it with both barrels.

 

And finally... Just enjoy the damn show! If a remark from Jezza or one of the scumbags tickles you, share it with us. Use #JeremyKyle to meet new, witty people, it worked for me and numerous others. Keep a lookout for the regulars, you'll soon get to know us and love us. I promise you, if you like the Jeremy Kyle show but have a Twitter account that is virtually moribund, the two go hand in glove and you will be enjoying the delights of morning micro-blogging in a matter of days. One word of caution: the afternoon ITV2 repeats don't tend to get anywhere near the level of commentary the "proper" ITV1 morning episodes do, and neither does the American version, mainly because it's a pile of shit. But hell, I am not here to tell you what to do, just try some of the above tips and keep in mind the info I've given you about the main players. It will all fall into place.

 

Graham: here to help, here to touch you inappropriately, then touch himself if he has time

 

 

That's it from me today, sorry my first blog entry was on the long side, I probably could have split this in two. But I didn't, and you read it all anyway, so thanks. Comments on anything are always welcome, and follow me on Twitter. Till next time, you bunch of lavatory bowls!